In May 2019, God was calling me to trust him again. He was calling me to give him my grief, sadness, anger, and hurt. I didn’t want to trust him again. I really felt I couldn’t. How could he allow my first wife to die and then ask me to trust him again? The following is a journal entry from May 22, 2019. I hope it helps you process where you are in your grief journey.
The Grave of Grief
May 22, 2019
The grave of grief is a dark, desolate, and lonely place. It’s one that no one really understands. Even the ones caught in the swamp of overwhelming unexplainable feelings could not truly tell you about the pain and agony of losing someone. Hence the word unexplainable.
We don’t understand these feelings for ourselves. So putting them into words for others is beyond challenging. For me, grief has been a roller coaster that I didn’t really wanna ride. One moment I was enjoying this amusement park of a life and having fun. The next moment I was involuntarily strapped into an unfamiliar roller coaster doing a hundred miles an hour, upside down, disoriented, and angry. Grief is not my kind of ride. It’s definitely not something I would have chosen in life, but here I am.
For a long time it felt like a grave I would never be able to crawl out of. I felt buried, suffocated and trapped. I really didn’t think there was a way out. Some days, honestly, I don’t know that I wanted a way out. Until I heard you call me… I kept hearing you call me but I was so angry with you I didn’t want to answer. I knew you were the only one that would be able to get me through this, but I felt like you were the one who got me into this in the first place.
You reached your hand out to me and I wanted nothing to do with it. I just wanted to be left alone. So I stared at your outstretched hand in disgust. The same hand that allowed the worst to happen was trying to rescue me…this has got to be a joke.
It took me almost four years to give in to the fact that if I’m going to “make it” I’m going to have to trust you again. Almost took me that long to make the decision to want to make it at all… I still don’t want to some days. Make it through grief that is. It takes a lot of work and it’s much easier to wallow. But if I let my feelings control my future and my relationship with you, I don’t know that I would ever trust you the way you are asking me to.
To me grief is like working through a difficult math problem with half the equation and none of the education required. All the while wondering how solving this math problem will benefit me in the future anyway. I mean seriously I haven’t used a single fact from a geometric equation from high school.
However, there was this immense pressure to solve these problems for a good grade…Well here I am…I’m not worried about grades. This is life. So working through this problem has become the difference between life and death in my relationships. I’m at the crossroads of the grief journey with two paths to choose from. I could let my grief, feelings and emotions drive me. I could let them takeover and slowly destroy everything I will do in the future, or I could trust you again.
End Journal Entry
I’m learning to trust God again, and its more than worth it. Its been quite the journey, but I can honestly say I am coming into a place of wholeness. My life of sadness is over. I may still have moments, but God has taught me that I don’t have to live sad anymore. In the words of Dr. King, “Free at last, free at last. Thank God almighty, I’m free at last…”