It gets easier they said. Well I’m not sure who they is, but they lied. I can honestly say that my grief journey has not gotten easier… It’s just managed to become more complex as time goes on. People say time will tell, and that time heals all wounds. Malarkey. Oh, that’s an old school word for bullshit.

I don’t believe time has healed my wounds, and I can’t sit here and say that things have gotten easier. Sure, it’s not a fresh wound, but it’s definitely left a nasty scar. I’m just learning how to live with it everyday. You see, time isn’t healing me. Time is teaching me that my grief is not going away, and with that it becomes even more important that I learn how to live with it.

It’s been almost three years since I lost Ashlie, and I’m still walking around with a limp. I still very much wounded. It’s not that I “feel” wounded, I am wounded. I think the sooner I admitted that the better. I always thought I would get back to 100%. Yah know like 100% healthy. Reality is I don’t even know what that looks like. Was I 100% healthy to begin with? Am I looking for a healthy version of the “old” me, or am I still on a journey for a whole new me? Who the hell knows at this point. I sure as hell don’t.

People keep telling me this grief journey will make me so much stronger. News flash, I’m not looking to get stronger. If this is what it takes to “get strong”, I think I’m good. Oh yea, and stronger for what? What the hell is coming that I need to be this strong for? Is there some cosmic war coming that I am supposed to be preparing for?

At any rate, I don’t have this thing figured out. Some days I’d much rather roll my eyes at life. I’d much rather climb a cliff, watch the sunset, and drink half a bottle of whiskey till the sun comes up. Ok that’s only half-true. The whole bottle would do just fine.

I just wish we would all stop acting like we have it all together some days. Can’t we just admit we really don’t know, but that we walk out our lives in faith everyday hoping that there is something greater than ourselves? I mean if there is nothing greater, what are we living for? Ever thought about that?

For me, it’s Jesus. What about you? What are you living for? I would love to hear your thoughts.

2 thoughts on “Not always easy…

  1. I can’t relate with what you went through and am not going to try and even compare my struggles with what you went through, but I don’t want to get back to the 100% of who I was, I am looking to get back to 100% of where God has me today. If I lived a life based on what I was, I’d never go anywhere. If I try and live a life of where I’m going I wouldn’t go anywhere either because I would be paralyzed with not knowing what that is or how to even get there. I just want to be the best I can be today, sprinkled with God’s grace. I will let people down, I’ll screw up, but I will try my best to be 100%.

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